Being a stepmom is HARD. There will be unexpected challenges popping up at every turn. Even the most loving of relationships can end due to issues with your spouse’s kids. You entered this role with the best intentions, but the reality is overwhelming.
It’s okay to feel conflicted or frustrated about whether you want to stay or leave. Many stepmoms face similar emotions. The important thing is to remember that this is YOUR life, and you can make whichever choices you want. If you want to work on the relationship, that is definitely understandable and will be worth the work if both parties are willing to try. If you are done trying and want to leave and start life anew, that is also very understandable.
First let’s discuss what to consider should you try to stay and work it out.
The role of a stepmom has ups and downs even at the best of times. Balancing relationships between your partner and stepchildren is practically a full time job.
The base level for your relationship to work is that your spouse must respect you. If they ever say anything about the kids being more important than you, or believing the kids over you, the relationship is probably not going to be salvageable. That may sound harsh but if your spouse doesn’t value you and your sacrifices, you deserve more. You most likely do many things like help with his children, take care of the household, and have a job. There is no reason to be treated as the most unimportant person in your family when you are contributing so much.
Your spouse must set boundaries for the kids and their mother. If your spouse’s ex is not high conflict, you have lucked out and maybe this step will be a bit easier. It makes sense for a split up couple to have problems, but with children involved it takes on a whole new level. Some parents will even use their children to manipulate their ex, get their way, not to mention to get money. It is terrible and extremely hurtful to the children, but sadly it does happen. Court and custody orders are put in place for a very good reason. If your partner is continually allowing their ex to control their life, your relationship will probably not work out. It is not fair to you. A relationship is difficult enough without children and ex-partners involved. Respect, compromise, and understanding are all crucial aspects of a blended family, and you should not settle for anything less. The children may also act out and treat you horribly. They may act entitled and bratty. If your partner does not want to deal with their bad actions, it does not bode well for the future.
Now we will discuss choosing to leave the relationship.
There are always mixed emotions upon leaving a relationship, but most likely you have thought long and hard before making this difficult decision. Years of marriage difficulties were frustrating and have probably left you exhausted. Your road ahead will be rocky, but eventually your life will get where you want it to be.
There are many things to consider such as housing, custody and coparenting if you have children together, plus work and supporting yourself. Having support from family and friends will be helpful if available. The important thing is that you have decided to change your life and it is okay to make this decision. You may feel guilty and upset about leaving your partner and their kids (even if you have been miserable for years), but that is natural. Keep moving forward and as time passes you will start to feel better.
If you do not want to be a stepmom anymore, you are not alone. Many women are considering this difficult decision as well. Try to be kind to yourself when you consider your choices. If you feel badly about the thought of leaving your partner and even your stepkids, remember that you and your well-being matter. Women tend to sacrifice themselves for others at the detriment of their own happiness. You are important, so try to make sure that you consider your own happiness too.
