You are married to a person that you love very much. At first it seemed like everything would be great and you would enjoy spending the rest of your lives together with no problems. However when your spouse already has their own children, your relationship can be quite a bit more complicated than you ever expected it to be.
Anger, frustrations, and resentment may occur as the new family dynamics grow. You may want children of your own and feel that you cannot since so much time, money, and mental energy is spent raising your spouse’s kids. The children may have behavioral issues that affect the whole family. You may wonder if this relationship is right for you, what to do or if you want to stay, and when to leave because of stepchild issues becoming too much to handle.
Some Reasons You May Consider Leaving Your Spouse
- You are unhappy. If you just do not feel happy or good about yourself there is no reason that you have to stay. Whether you are upset about your spouse or your stepkids, remember that your wellbeing is important and you do not have to sacrifice yourself and happiness for others.
- Your relationship with your spouse has too much interference. Raising the stepkids does not allow you to have any time for your marriage to flourish. There also may be problems with the kids’ other parent that interfere. Other family members may also try to push themselves in and have opinions on things that affect you. Like anything at first it is manageable, but over time becomes overwhelming.
- Your spouse does not support you and you feel disrespected. Many issues in a relationship can be worked through if you and your spouse work together. If you do not feel like your spouse values your feelings and opinions, your relationship will suffer. There is nothing wrong with leaving because you do not feel valued.
- Your spouse expects you to be more involved with the stepkids than you want to be. This could mean spending your time, being emotionally involved, or being financially involved. Remember that your stepchildren are not your responsibility and you only need to be involved if you want to be. If you are guilt tripped or expected to contribute when you do not want to, that is very draining and could spur you to leave.
- One of you wants to have children together but the other does not. This is a very difficult issue that hopefully would be spoken about and agreed upon early in the relationship. It is not always so black and white though as people can change their minds. Life can get overwhelming and it is important to take good care of the children that are already with you. If the emotional or financial resources are not there, it may feel that it would be too much of a strain to have children together.
If you want to stay and work things out with your spouse, let’s discuss some things that may help.
Be A Team, Work Together With Your Spouse
At times you and your spouse will disagree about things. Oftentimes the stepchildren are a huge point of conflict in your relationship. Instead of feeling like you are against each other, try to understand their side of things.
Going to therapy can be a great help to your relationship. A therapist can guide you through helpful discussions and exercises to strengthen your bond. Over time this may even help you think differently and improve the family dynamics for everybody.
If your spouse is not willing to work through issues and understand your side of things, your relationship may be much harder going forward. Both of you must be willing to work together. If only one person will compromise and work on problems, this approach will not work.
In that case if you want to stay with your spouse, you probably will have to adjust your own expectations. You will have to handle the current way things are in your relationship with your spouse and stepchildren, with no expectations of change. It is up to you whether or not that will work for you.
Dealing With Your Relationship With Stepchildren
As long as you are with your spouse, your stepchildren will be a huge part of your lives. You may think that if you can just get past certain life stages then you can have your spouse to yourself without the stepkids being involved. This is the wrong way to think as it really, truly never ends, nor should it. Your spouse is their mom or dad no matter what. Regardless of their age, kids will always want and need their parents.
Younger children are difficult as they probably do not fully understand why their parents cannot be a couple. They may say mean and hurtful things without even realizing it is wrong. Luckily they can be cute and sweet too. They are still at an age where they enjoy spending time doing activities or other bonding things with adults.
Teenagers are a challenge for their own parents to deal with, so for the stepparent it can be unbearable. Think back to when you were that age and thought you knew everything. You probably had an attitude and just wanted to spend time with your friends. Your relationship with stepchildren at this life stage may not be great, but give it time.
Will Things Be Better Once The Stepchildren Are Grown?
Looking forward to your grown stepchild moving out could have you waiting a long time indeed. Life is not cheap for young adults and many times they will have to live at home indefinitely. Often after they have moved out they will have to move back. Sometimes they will return to your home with pets or a child of their own.
Once your stepchild is of age, you may look forward to you and your spouse having much less contact with the child’s mother/father. This may be a day you have looked forward to for a long time. After all, who wants to constantly have their spouse’s former partner in their life still? However this is not really something that can be avoided completely. Any huge life events in your stepchild’s life will probably mean they want both of their parents to attend so you or your spouse cannot completely cut out the other parent. Think college graduation, bridal shower, wedding, birth of their children, and christenings. From there life events for the grandchildren means the cycle continues.
Believe it or not, your relationship with your stepchlidren may get better as they grow older. They are more self-sufficient, have jobs, are much busier, and eventually start to understand more adult topics as they experience life. You will be able to have conversations and hopefully earn mutual respect.
Having stepchildren is HARD. Your whole life will be changed when you date and marry a person with kids. Even with its challenges, it is very possible to create a happy family unit. The amount of effort may not feel worth it sometimes. It is completely up to you whether you want to continue with the relationship and make the family work. If you decide to divorce and take your life in a different direction, there is no shame in that. You must do what is best for yourself and your wellbeing. It also is not fair to your stepchildren and spouse to have a family member around that feels angry, frustrated, or resentful. When considering leaving your relationship because of your stepchild, try and consider as much as you can and do what you feel is best in your heart.
